Joseph and Mary Tabs
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Renbourn, John - Joseph and Mary.gp3
'for shame Edinburgh, for shame, for shame, for shame! I was walking along the street at about 7 o'clock this morning, when lots of people were on their way to work, I saw a young woman on her way to work, minding her own fucking business, dressed very conservatively. I myself was dressed in a nice Yaga two piece, it felt very, very attractive, very slim, I looked great. But there was this young woman, sure enough I've noticed in Edinburgh that you have a thing, with cars, boys in cars, they drive up….turn around then they drive back again, they drive up, and down and all they do is abuse women, they abuse women! Now this young woman was standing there, sure enough this fucking white car with two boys in it pulls up, and they said 'hello darling, how about jumping in the back with Derrick, oh yeah he can spew out his nose, show her Derrick, show her Derrick!' actually expecting this woman to say sure 'I've only got thirty seconds which is longer than its gonna take to do both of you'. I hate the police in this town. Spare me your middle class consciousness!'
Oh the Virgin Mary weren't no virgin when I knew her
She'd been 'round the tracks a couple of times with the men from Herid's troops
Oh, the Virgin Mary weren't no virgin when I knew her
Had the mind of a child and the body (body, body) of a sewer
Oh the Virgin Mary didn't need no urging
The Virgin Mary weren't no virgin.
'Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou, that's a beautiful little song entitled Joseph was a lousy fuck.'
'Poor Joseph, so completely pissed out of his mind he cannot remember a thing, nah I never touched her, I mean she's the mother of God John, would you root her?'
'But if you think about it young people it's actually ahhh, it's actually Joseph I feel most sorry for, because you know there he is right, he's just a hard working carpenter, just working away, working away…'
'what's…. what's….'
'Rich is looking a bit confused which isn't a fucking big surprise. A couple of people out there are a bit confused, this people, is a plane, ok it's a woodwork plane. Not this sorta plane Christians….. woodwork plane, used by carpenters….'
'No no hang on Paul, you can't do that Paul, cause you're doing mime, and mime is only for dickheads on the mound, it's bullshit, it's bullshit, bullshit.'
'Sorry Richard got out of our sight today and went and got a free personality from the church of scientology, get what you pay for obviously.'
'There's Joseph right working away with the fucking plane, just working away, suddenly one day out of the blue there's this knock on the door, knock knock, and in comes Mary….'
'Sorry, sorry Richards's mother was killed this morning in a horrifying car crash. I mean a little bit of times gone by we can laugh about it now of course, but you know, just on eggs.'
'There's Joseph right working away with the plane, suddenly one day out of the blue there's this knock at the front door…'
'BING BONG'
'Oh, that'll be the phone'
'BING BONG, BING BONG, BING BONG'
'Well that, that fucking wouldn't have worked would it!'
'Oh why not'
'Cause there's no electricity in those days'
'Prove it!'
'There's Joseph right working away with the fucking plane, working up a bit of a fucking sweat. Suddenly one day out of the blue there's this knock at the front door.'
'Oh damn I wish some BASTARD would invent electricity! Actually no that's probably not true, probably what happened is she came and she went…. ow, because all of the doors in those times of course were made of rock, because wood had not yet been invented. All the doors were rock, which probably explains why archaeologists recently discovered the skeletons of Jerusalem's very early Avon ladies with bandaids all over their knuckles.'
'No Tim, Tim you're so naïve, they didn't knock on the stone doors in those days, apparently what they used to do was they just, no this is true, they used to just pop round to the kitchen window at the side lean in and go 'whoooo it's only me, whooooo'
'whooo, it's the mother of God, your bush is on fire.'
'There's Joseph right working away with the fucking plane. Suddenly one day out of the fucking surprise surprise blue there's this knock at the front door, knock knock…..'
'Knock knock… knock knock'
'Who's there?'
'Mary'
'Mary who?'
'Mary me or the child will be a bastard! I made that up just then with my mind. My mind did that. Whoa whoa whoa whoa, oh nothing'
'There's Joseph…..'
'Sorry sorry sorry can I just interrupt for a second, thankyou'
'There's Joseph working away with the fucking plane. Started off on a fucking hunk of redwood when this sketch started 25 fucking minutes ago, he's whittled it down to a matchstick…'
'That's why Joseph was a poor carpenter cause….'
'There's Joseph working away with the plane. Suddenly one day out of the fucking surprise surprise blue there's this knock at the front door, knock, and in comes Mary.'
'Ha I won!'
'There's Joseph working away with the fucking plane. One day out of the fucking surprise surprise blue there's this knock at the front door, knock knock, and in comes Mary, 'Hi Mary' she says 'How are you?' 'Well to be completely honest with you Mary, I'm a bit fucking tense. What about yourself Mary? Anything new happen to you today?' 'Oh nah, oh yeah there was one thing Joe' 'What's that Mary?' 'Ohh I'm pregnant Joe' 'Oh right, Well how did that happen Mary?' 'Oh you know I was just sitting around at Mums place having a cup of tea and some Madeira cake, talking about what a lovely festival it was this year, and suddenly this bird comes down from heaven, flap flap flap flap flap, five minutes later, fucking pregnant. You know Joe, shit happens.' 'Oh right, so you're pregnant Mary. We're gonna have a kid. Jesus what are we gonna call him?' It's a joke Christians, ok it's a fucking joke.'
'So what did they call the baby?'
Oh the Virgin Mary weren't no virgin when I knew her
She'd been 'round the tracks a couple of times with the men from Herid's troops
Oh, the Virgin Mary weren't no virgin when I knew her
Had the mind of a child and the body (body, body) of a sewer
Oh the Virgin Mary didn't need no urging
The Virgin Mary weren't no virgin.
'Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou, that's a beautiful little song entitled Joseph was a lousy fuck.'
'Poor Joseph, so completely pissed out of his mind he cannot remember a thing, nah I never touched her, I mean she's the mother of God John, would you root her?'
'But if you think about it young people it's actually ahhh, it's actually Joseph I feel most sorry for, because you know there he is right, he's just a hard working carpenter, just working away, working away…'
'what's…. what's….'
'Rich is looking a bit confused which isn't a fucking big surprise. A couple of people out there are a bit confused, this people, is a plane, ok it's a woodwork plane. Not this sorta plane Christians….. woodwork plane, used by carpenters….'
'No no hang on Paul, you can't do that Paul, cause you're doing mime, and mime is only for dickheads on the mound, it's bullshit, it's bullshit, bullshit.'
'Sorry Richard got out of our sight today and went and got a free personality from the church of scientology, get what you pay for obviously.'
'There's Joseph right working away with the fucking plane, just working away, suddenly one day out of the blue there's this knock on the door, knock knock, and in comes Mary….'
'Sorry, sorry Richards's mother was killed this morning in a horrifying car crash. I mean a little bit of times gone by we can laugh about it now of course, but you know, just on eggs.'
'There's Joseph right working away with the plane, suddenly one day out of the blue there's this knock at the front door…'
'BING BONG'
'Oh, that'll be the phone'
'BING BONG, BING BONG, BING BONG'
'Well that, that fucking wouldn't have worked would it!'
'Oh why not'
'Cause there's no electricity in those days'
'Prove it!'
'There's Joseph right working away with the fucking plane, working up a bit of a fucking sweat. Suddenly one day out of the blue there's this knock at the front door.'
'Oh damn I wish some BASTARD would invent electricity! Actually no that's probably not true, probably what happened is she came and she went…. ow, because all of the doors in those times of course were made of rock, because wood had not yet been invented. All the doors were rock, which probably explains why archaeologists recently discovered the skeletons of Jerusalem's very early Avon ladies with bandaids all over their knuckles.'
'No Tim, Tim you're so naïve, they didn't knock on the stone doors in those days, apparently what they used to do was they just, no this is true, they used to just pop round to the kitchen window at the side lean in and go 'whoooo it's only me, whooooo'
'whooo, it's the mother of God, your bush is on fire.'
'There's Joseph right working away with the fucking plane. Suddenly one day out of the fucking surprise surprise blue there's this knock at the front door, knock knock…..'
'Knock knock… knock knock'
'Who's there?'
'Mary'
'Mary who?'
'Mary me or the child will be a bastard! I made that up just then with my mind. My mind did that. Whoa whoa whoa whoa, oh nothing'
'There's Joseph…..'
'Sorry sorry sorry can I just interrupt for a second, thankyou'
'There's Joseph working away with the fucking plane. Started off on a fucking hunk of redwood when this sketch started 25 fucking minutes ago, he's whittled it down to a matchstick…'
'That's why Joseph was a poor carpenter cause….'
'There's Joseph working away with the plane. Suddenly one day out of the fucking surprise surprise blue there's this knock at the front door, knock, and in comes Mary.'
'Ha I won!'
'There's Joseph working away with the fucking plane. One day out of the fucking surprise surprise blue there's this knock at the front door, knock knock, and in comes Mary, 'Hi Mary' she says 'How are you?' 'Well to be completely honest with you Mary, I'm a bit fucking tense. What about yourself Mary? Anything new happen to you today?' 'Oh nah, oh yeah there was one thing Joe' 'What's that Mary?' 'Ohh I'm pregnant Joe' 'Oh right, Well how did that happen Mary?' 'Oh you know I was just sitting around at Mums place having a cup of tea and some Madeira cake, talking about what a lovely festival it was this year, and suddenly this bird comes down from heaven, flap flap flap flap flap, five minutes later, fucking pregnant. You know Joe, shit happens.' 'Oh right, so you're pregnant Mary. We're gonna have a kid. Jesus what are we gonna call him?' It's a joke Christians, ok it's a fucking joke.'
'So what did they call the baby?'