Cactus Jack Tab

Let me introduce you to a cactus named Hi-Five
You won't find a kinder, gentler, nice, succulent alive
The only problem was, is he liked to give hi-fives
And the needles on his hands were sharp as Oriental knives

All the animals would laugh as they walked by
And they'd make fun of him and kick up rocks and dust into his eyes
And even though the cowboy never joined
He'd just keep standing there watching with some whiskey and a grin

After years of torment, poor Hi-Five gave up
He just stood there on the ranch collecting water in his gut
And then a dry spell hit the town for 7 years
And I bet you'll never guess who showed up sobbing and in tears

"Dear Hi-Five, we're sorry
And our well is dry
Dear Hi-Five, we're thirsty"
To which Hi-Five replied,

"Don't you cry, I'll let you take of me my arm
If you can promise not to do me harm
I don't want my friends to starve
So go to the toolshed and bring the saw
Bring the whiskey and a rag to chew on
You look parched so let's get this done"

And so they praised Hi-Five
His sacrifice would save all of their lives

And so they hacked up every inch of his left arm
And the animals and cowboy they drank with disregard
And no sooner after all their tongues were wet
Did the animals and cowboy start teasing him again

At this Hi-Five let out a bellow of a laugh
He said, "My friends I'd hoped you all be less predictable than that
'Cause I made a pact with all the buzzards and the rats
That if they could feed me all the poison they could find in that there shack
There'd be plenty twitching carcasses around
For I've poisoned all my juices to destroy this little town
Say your prayers as your eyesight fades away
And prepare to be a main course for the scavengers' buffet!"